The last time I saw my mom was on the Dr Phil show, almost 5 years ago. Which didnt even allow us time to communicate alone or behind cameras. And before that- I thought she was dead and hadn’t seen her in almost 3 years.
Growing up I decided it was necessary to refrain from any contact with her due to the toxicity and continuously inflicted trauma. It was a survival mechanism that my child self utilized just so that I could make it through another day.
Not having a father playing a roll in my life, and parting from my mother at an early age invited me to discover the Divine Mother and Father within myself, and anchor in those aspects to guide and support me through my journey.
I am very grateful for my past & process as I have developed very valuable tools~
yet this current phase in my life requires a new form of medicine.
Recently hidden shadow aspects within me have been brought to my attention, and I have been forced to look at them in the face. I have done SO much shadow work, medicine ceremonies, healing meditations, affirmations, brain rewiring exercises- and yet there were still pain debris trapped at the base of my spine. (This is a part of the kundalini awakening that is happening in us all; we must surface the density causing blockages within us so our true essence can rise and permeate the totality of our being.)
It revealed to me that no matter how light I become, the darkness of the past was still keeping me from true liberation.
There was still more to face, and I had to do so directly with where it came from.
with my mom.
Seeing her now, after only once in almost 8 years allowed for many things to shift.
She too has been doing the inner (shadow) work, and was able to meet me in a space of surrender and unconditional love. She acknowledged and apologized for many things she had done to me and denied all this time~ and going back to those moments made me realize my child-Self reaction to those traumas and how it imprinted a coping mechanism within me that I now needed to evolve.
We spoke for 3 hours and we dissected many things I never thought I’d speak aloud about, and had even suppressed and consciously forgotten.
I embraced the pain, the aftermath and the process- and was liberated into gratitude for all that I’ve thrived through.
I feel clearer, lighter, and more free than ever before. All because I walked into the depths of the shadow where I knew the darkness was waiting for me. Only, it did not want to destroy me- it wanted to show me, that I no longer need these spaces of me to be hidden.